Nearly everything I
have done all my life has been done for love. I shall now have to act
for duty's sake. It is an entire reconstruction of myself, the
insertion of a new motive. I do not much believe in duty, nor, if I
read my New Testament aright, did the Apostle Paul. For Jesus he would
do anything. That sacred face would have drawn me whither the Law would
never have driven me.
May 7th.--It is painful to me to be so completely set aside. When Tom
was alive I was in the midst of the current of affairs. Few men, except
Maxwell, come to the house now. My property is in the hands of
trustees. Tom continually consulted me in business matters. I have
nothing to look after except my house, and I sit at my window and see
the stream of life pass without touching me. I cannot take up work
merely for the sake of taking it up. Nobody would value it, nor would
it content me. How I used to pity my husband's uncle, Captain
Charteris! He had been a sailor; he had fought the French; he had been
in imminent danger of shipwreck, and from his youth upwards perpetual
demands had been made upon his resources and courage.
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