I have no right to compare and to reject. . .
I provide myself with little maxims, and a breath comes and sweeps them
away. What is permanent behind these little flickerings is black night:
that is the real background of my life.
April 24th.--I have been to London, and on Easter Sunday I went to High
Mass at a Roman Catholic Church. I was obliged to leave, for I was
overpowered and hysterical. Were I to go often my reason might be
drowned, and I might become a devotee. And yet I do not think I should.
If I could prostrate myself at a shrine I should want an answer. When I
came out into the open air I saw again the PLAINNESS of the world: the
skies, the sea, the fields are not in accord with incense or gorgeous
ceremonies. Incense and ceremonies are beyond the facts, and to the
facts we must cleave, no matter how poor and thin they may be.
May 5th.--If I am ill, I shall depend entirely on paid service. God
grant I may die suddenly and not linger in imbecility. So much of me is
dead that what is left is not worth preserving.
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