He buys a horse and does not consider it extravagant, and my money is
not wasted if I spend it in the only way in which it is of any value to
me.
January 12th.--I had thought I could be dumb, but I cannot. My sorrow
comes in rushes. I lift up my head above the waves for an instant, and
immediately I am overwhelmed--"all Thy waves and Thy billows have gone
over me." My nights are a terror to me, and I fear for my reason. That
last grip of Sophy's hand is distinctly on mine now, palpable as the
pressure of a fleshly hand could be. It is strange that without any
external circumstances to account for it, she and I often thought the
same things at the same moment. She seemed to know instinctively what
was passing in my mind, so that I was afraid to harbour any unworthy
thought, feeling sure that she would detect it. Blood of my blood was
she. She said "goodbye" to me with perfect clearness, and in a quarter
of an hour she had gone. In that quarter of an hour there could not be
the extinction of so much. Such a creature as Sophy could not
instantaneously NOT BE.
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