My love for
him did not make me neglect other people. On the contrary, it gave them
their proper value. Without it I should have put them by. When a man
is dying for want of water he cares for nothing around him. Satisfy his
thirst, and he can then enjoy other pleasures. I was his first love, he
was my first, and we were lovers to the end. I know the world would be
dark to you also were I to leave it. Perhaps it is wicked of me to
rejoice that you would suffer so keenly. I cannot tell how much of me
is pure love and how much of me is selfishness. I remember my uncle's
death. For ten days or so afterwards everybody in the house looked
solemn, and occasionally there was a tear, but at the end of a fortnight
there was smiling and at the end of a month there was laughter. I was
but a child then, but I thought much about the ease and speed with which
the gap left by death was closed.
February 20, 1837.
In a fortnight you will be here? The doctor really believes you will be
able to travel? I am glad you can get out and taste the sea air.
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