They made little or no reply, and I am
resolved to do as I declared. I will draw in my expenses, lay by
every shilling I can to pay off debts and mortgages, and perhaps--who
knows? I may in six or seven years be freed from all incumbrances,
and carry a clear income of 2500_l._ a year and an estate of 500_l._
in land to the man of my heart. May I but live to discharge my
obligations to those who _hate me_; it will be paradise to discharge
them to him who _loves me_."
"_April, 1783_.--I will go to Bath: nor health, nor strength, nor my
children's affections, have I. My daughter does not, I suppose, much
delight in this scheme [viz, retrenchment of expenses and removal to
Bath], but why should I lead a life of delighting her, who would not
lose a shilling of interest or an ounce of pleasure to save my life
from perishing? When I was near losing my existence from the
contentions of my mind, and was seized with a temporary delirium in
Argyll Street, she and her two eldest sisters laughed at my distress,
and observed to dear Fanny Burney, that it was _monstrous droll_.
_She_ could hardly suppress her indignation.
"Piozzi was ill.... A sore throat, Pepys said it was, with four
ulcers in it: the people about me said it had been lanced, and I
mentioned it slightly before the girls.' Has he cut his own throat?'
says Miss Thrale in her quiet manner. This was less inexcusable
because she hated him, and the other was her sister; though, had she
exerted the good sense I thought her possessed of, she would not have
treated him so: had she adored, and fondled, and respected him as he
deserved from her hands, and from the heroic conduct he shewed in
January when he gave into her hands, that dismal day, all my letters
containing promises of marriage, protestations of love, &c.
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