My falsehood to my Piozzi, my
strong affection for him, the incapacity I felt in myself to resign
the man I so adored, the hopes I had so cherished, inclined me
strongly to set them all at defiance, and go with him to church to
sanctify the promises I had so often made him; while the idea of
abandoning the children of my first husband, who left me so nobly
provided for, and who depended on my attachment to his offspring,
awakened the voice of conscience, and threw me on my knees to pray
for _His_ direction who was hereafter to judge my conduct. His grace
illuminated me, His power strengthened me, and I flew to my
daughter's bed in the morning and told her my resolution to resign my
own, my dear, my favourite purpose, and to prefer my children's
interest to my love. She questioned my ability to make the sacrifice;
said one word from him would undo all my--[Here two pages are
missing].
"I told Dr. Johnson and Mr. Crutchley three days ago that I had
determined--seeing them so averse to it--that I would not go abroad,
but that, if I did not leave England, I _would_ leave London, where I
had not been treated to my mind, and where I had flung away much
unnecessary money with little satisfaction; that I was greatly in
debt, and somewhat like distress'd: that borrowing was always bad,
but of one's children worst: that Mr. Crutchley's objection to their
lending me their money when I had a mortgage to offer as security,
was unkind and harsh: that I would go live in a little way at Bath
till I had paid all my debts and cleared my income: that I would no
more be tyrannized over by people who hated or people who plundered
me, in short that I would retire and save my money and lead this
uncomfortable life no longer.
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