By these means the notion of my
partiality took air, and whether Miss Thrale sent him word slily or
not I cannot tell, but on the 25th January, 1783, Mr. Crutchley came
hither to conjure me not to go to Italy; he had heard such things, he
said, and by _means_ next to _miraculous_. The next day, Sunday,
26th, Fanny Burney came, said I must marry him instantly or give him
up; that my reputation would be lost else.
"I actually groaned with anguish, threw myself on the bed in an agony
which my fair daughter beheld with frigid indifference. She had
indeed never by one tender word endeavoured to dissuade me from the
match, but said, coldly, that if I _would_ abandon my children I
_must_; that their father had not deserved such treatment from me;
that I should be punished by Piozzi's neglect, for that she knew he
hated me; and that I turned out my offspring to chance for his sake,
like puppies in a pond to swim or drown according as Providence
pleased; that for her part she must look herself out a place like the
other servants, for my face would she never see more.' 'Nor write to
me?' said I. 'I shall not, madam,' replied she with a cold sneer,
'easily find out your address; for you are going you know not
whither, I believe.'
"Susan and Sophy said nothing at all, but they taught the two young
ones to cry 'Where are you going, mama? will you leave us and die as
our poor papa did?' There was no standing _that_., so I wrote my
lover word that my mind was all distraction, and bid him come to me
the next morning, 27th January--my birthday--and spent the Sunday
night in torture not to be described.
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