See the
importance of a person to himself. I fancied Mr. Johnson could not
have existed without me, forsooth, as we have now lived together for
above eighteen years. I have so fondled him in sickness and in
health. Not a bit of it. He feels nothing in parting with me, nothing
in the least; but thinks it a prudent scheme, and goes to his books
as usual. This is philosophy and truth; he always said he hated a
_feeler_....
"The persecution I endure from men too who want to marry me--in good
time--is another reason for my desiring to be gone. I wish to marry
none of them, and Sir Philip's teazing me completed my mortification;
to see that one can rely on _nobody!_ The expences of this house,
however, which are quite past my power to check, is the true and
rational cause of our departure. In Italy we shall live with twice
the respect and at half the expence we do here; the language is
familiar to me and I love the Italians; I take with me all I love in
the world except my two baby daughters, who will be left safe at
school; and since Mr. Johnson cares nothing for the loss of my
personal friendship and company, there is no danger of any body else
breaking their hearts. My sweet Burney and Mrs. Byron will perhaps
think they are sorry, but my consciousness that no one _can_ have the
cause of concern that Johnson has, and my conviction that he has _no
concern at all_, shall cure me of lamenting friends left behind."
In the margin of this entry she has written, "I begin to see (now
everything shows it) that Johnson's connection with me is merely an
interested one; he _loved_ Mr.
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